I love semantics. Webster’s defines semantics as “the meaning of a word, phrase, sentence or text”. The innocuous definition itself lays bare the conundrum—one man’s “meaning” is another man’s call to arms. The most infamous semantician in recent memory is, of course, Bill Clinton. Who can forget how he brilliantly parsed “is”, a word that had previously been shrouded in mystery and nuance?
Indeed, politicians are the master race when it comes to employing semantics. Every utterance becomes a virtual taffy-pull, subject to a variety of interpretations depending on which direction the latest Gallup poll is blowing. Does this infuriate anyone else? I know I long for a representative who will say something because he or she believes in it, sticks by it and does not cave with the first puff of ill wind.
Along these same lines, I’m also a little steamed at the way our current administration is reworking some tried and true terminology that has become part of our common parlance. In an effort to apologize to the international community for the United States and its primacy on the world stage, the Obama administration is adopting a form of international political correctness that is cowardly at best and revolting at worst. Thus, terrorists are now known as “Enemy Combatants”, the War on Terror has become “Overseas Contingency Operations” and terror attacks have been renamed “Man-caused Disasters”.
I don’t know about you, but to me these newly-minted euphemisms do not carry the corollary amount of gravitas. For instance, a contingency plan in my household might mean throwing a container of wet wipes or a box of granola bars in the car as we head out on a road trip. And a “Man-caused disaster” recalls a time my husband accidentally applied spray-bleach rather than carpet cleaner to our previously brown carpet. Or inadvertently crushed my daughter’s guinea pig.
It’s obvious we’ll continue to head down this road, soaking tough reality in a palatable and aromatic marinade. Particularly when it comes to our posture internationally, the United States, aka The World Safety Net, appears to be losing its confidence. Or at least that’s the face our leaders are presenting.
Lucky for the Obama administration, constructing unintentionally ironic euphemisms is right up my alley. I am happy to stay way ahead of this trend and help put a softer face on pesky traditional American forthrightness. And when I survey the news, I think there are plenty of in-your-face phrases that are just begging for a bow and a lollipop.
Here’s a sample:
Somalian Pirates—that just really sounds too menacing—we wouldn’t want to make them mad. Let’s start calling them…Overzealous Marine Opportunists! They’re just a couple of fishing poles away from an honest day’s toil!
Crushing Budget Deficit—OUCH! The American people sure don’t like to think about that! Let’s soften the blow…Pre-Natal Patriotic Financial Service! Kind of like Original Sin but less venal. After all, why shouldn’t the unborn be expected to pitch in?
Income tax increases—is there any phrase that causes more anger? Let’s give it a more charitable veneer: the Unborn Debt Burden Relief Fund.
Cap and Trade—don’t call this another new tax. It’s a way to help make our world a little greener by allowing some companies to continue polluting but having to pay other companies who pollute less to cover for them whilst passing along those additional energy costs to taxpayers... Sooooo….as we all lower our thermostats even further to soften the financial blow, let’s just call this the HVAC Rollback Initiative. Pretty soon it will make sense for homeowners to just pitch a tent and build a fire.
Amnesty—this concept really gets people riled up. I think the President would be wise to call this the “Taxpayer Creation Project”. I think that would allay the fears of many Americans. And, once explained to illegals, would also create a huge sucking sound along our southern border as Mexicans flee the country en masse.
Dictators—we need a descriptor that says, “ I will bow down to you, shake your crazy ass hand or even help you sell your political manifesto if it means we can be buddies!” So let’s scrap “dictator” in favor of “L’il Rebel” as in “Oh jeez, that L’il Rebel Kim Jong Il just launched another missile!”
Our new administration is not yet 100 days old. So I am sure there will be many more chances to witness our president calling a “spade” a “heart”. Or learning new descriptive phrases that go around the rear, through the legs, up and around the neck and back down to the toes before reaching the elbow in an effort not to raise one eyebrow follicle on anyone, anywhere. I’m a little skeptical that the rest of the world will see this as a sign of national self-esteem and strength, but now maybe at least Hugo Chavez and President Obama can be friends on Facebook.
Indeed, politicians are the master race when it comes to employing semantics. Every utterance becomes a virtual taffy-pull, subject to a variety of interpretations depending on which direction the latest Gallup poll is blowing. Does this infuriate anyone else? I know I long for a representative who will say something because he or she believes in it, sticks by it and does not cave with the first puff of ill wind.
Along these same lines, I’m also a little steamed at the way our current administration is reworking some tried and true terminology that has become part of our common parlance. In an effort to apologize to the international community for the United States and its primacy on the world stage, the Obama administration is adopting a form of international political correctness that is cowardly at best and revolting at worst. Thus, terrorists are now known as “Enemy Combatants”, the War on Terror has become “Overseas Contingency Operations” and terror attacks have been renamed “Man-caused Disasters”.
I don’t know about you, but to me these newly-minted euphemisms do not carry the corollary amount of gravitas. For instance, a contingency plan in my household might mean throwing a container of wet wipes or a box of granola bars in the car as we head out on a road trip. And a “Man-caused disaster” recalls a time my husband accidentally applied spray-bleach rather than carpet cleaner to our previously brown carpet. Or inadvertently crushed my daughter’s guinea pig.
It’s obvious we’ll continue to head down this road, soaking tough reality in a palatable and aromatic marinade. Particularly when it comes to our posture internationally, the United States, aka The World Safety Net, appears to be losing its confidence. Or at least that’s the face our leaders are presenting.
Lucky for the Obama administration, constructing unintentionally ironic euphemisms is right up my alley. I am happy to stay way ahead of this trend and help put a softer face on pesky traditional American forthrightness. And when I survey the news, I think there are plenty of in-your-face phrases that are just begging for a bow and a lollipop.
Here’s a sample:
Somalian Pirates—that just really sounds too menacing—we wouldn’t want to make them mad. Let’s start calling them…Overzealous Marine Opportunists! They’re just a couple of fishing poles away from an honest day’s toil!
Crushing Budget Deficit—OUCH! The American people sure don’t like to think about that! Let’s soften the blow…Pre-Natal Patriotic Financial Service! Kind of like Original Sin but less venal. After all, why shouldn’t the unborn be expected to pitch in?
Income tax increases—is there any phrase that causes more anger? Let’s give it a more charitable veneer: the Unborn Debt Burden Relief Fund.
Cap and Trade—don’t call this another new tax. It’s a way to help make our world a little greener by allowing some companies to continue polluting but having to pay other companies who pollute less to cover for them whilst passing along those additional energy costs to taxpayers... Sooooo….as we all lower our thermostats even further to soften the financial blow, let’s just call this the HVAC Rollback Initiative. Pretty soon it will make sense for homeowners to just pitch a tent and build a fire.
Amnesty—this concept really gets people riled up. I think the President would be wise to call this the “Taxpayer Creation Project”. I think that would allay the fears of many Americans. And, once explained to illegals, would also create a huge sucking sound along our southern border as Mexicans flee the country en masse.
Dictators—we need a descriptor that says, “ I will bow down to you, shake your crazy ass hand or even help you sell your political manifesto if it means we can be buddies!” So let’s scrap “dictator” in favor of “L’il Rebel” as in “Oh jeez, that L’il Rebel Kim Jong Il just launched another missile!”
Our new administration is not yet 100 days old. So I am sure there will be many more chances to witness our president calling a “spade” a “heart”. Or learning new descriptive phrases that go around the rear, through the legs, up and around the neck and back down to the toes before reaching the elbow in an effort not to raise one eyebrow follicle on anyone, anywhere. I’m a little skeptical that the rest of the world will see this as a sign of national self-esteem and strength, but now maybe at least Hugo Chavez and President Obama can be friends on Facebook.
