Euphemistic Euphoria

I love semantics. Webster’s defines semantics as “the meaning of a word, phrase, sentence or text”. The innocuous definition itself lays bare the conundrum—one man’s “meaning” is another man’s call to arms. The most infamous semantician in recent memory is, of course, Bill Clinton. Who can forget how he brilliantly parsed “is”, a word that had previously been shrouded in mystery and nuance?

Indeed, politicians are the master race when it comes to employing semantics. Every utterance becomes a virtual taffy-pull, subject to a variety of interpretations depending on which direction the latest Gallup poll is blowing. Does this infuriate anyone else? I know I long for a representative who will say something because he or she believes in it, sticks by it and does not cave with the first puff of ill wind.

Along these same lines, I’m also a little steamed at the way our current administration is reworking some tried and true terminology that has become part of our common parlance. In an effort to apologize to the international community for the United States and its primacy on the world stage, the Obama administration is adopting a form of international political correctness that is cowardly at best and revolting at worst. Thus, terrorists are now known as “Enemy Combatants”, the War on Terror has become “Overseas Contingency Operations” and terror attacks have been renamed “Man-caused Disasters”.

I don’t know about you, but to me these newly-minted euphemisms do not carry the corollary amount of gravitas. For instance, a contingency plan in my household might mean throwing a container of wet wipes or a box of granola bars in the car as we head out on a road trip. And a “Man-caused disaster” recalls a time my husband accidentally applied spray-bleach rather than carpet cleaner to our previously brown carpet. Or inadvertently crushed my daughter’s guinea pig.

It’s obvious we’ll continue to head down this road, soaking tough reality in a palatable and aromatic marinade. Particularly when it comes to our posture internationally, the United States, aka The World Safety Net, appears to be losing its confidence. Or at least that’s the face our leaders are presenting.

Lucky for the Obama administration, constructing unintentionally ironic euphemisms is right up my alley. I am happy to stay way ahead of this trend and help put a softer face on pesky traditional American forthrightness. And when I survey the news, I think there are plenty of in-your-face phrases that are just begging for a bow and a lollipop.

Here’s a sample:

Somalian Pirates—that just really sounds too menacing—we wouldn’t want to make them mad. Let’s start calling them…Overzealous Marine Opportunists! They’re just a couple of fishing poles away from an honest day’s toil!

Crushing Budget Deficit—OUCH! The American people sure don’t like to think about that! Let’s soften the blow…Pre-Natal Patriotic Financial Service! Kind of like Original Sin but less venal. After all, why shouldn’t the unborn be expected to pitch in?

Income tax increases—is there any phrase that causes more anger? Let’s give it a more charitable veneer: the Unborn Debt Burden Relief Fund.

Cap and Trade—don’t call this another new tax. It’s a way to help make our world a little greener by allowing some companies to continue polluting but having to pay other companies who pollute less to cover for them whilst passing along those additional energy costs to taxpayers... Sooooo….as we all lower our thermostats even further to soften the financial blow, let’s just call this the HVAC Rollback Initiative. Pretty soon it will make sense for homeowners to just pitch a tent and build a fire.

Amnesty—this concept really gets people riled up. I think the President would be wise to call this the “Taxpayer Creation Project”. I think that would allay the fears of many Americans. And, once explained to illegals, would also create a huge sucking sound along our southern border as Mexicans flee the country en masse.

Dictators—we need a descriptor that says, “ I will bow down to you, shake your crazy ass hand or even help you sell your political manifesto if it means we can be buddies!” So let’s scrap “dictator” in favor of “L’il Rebel” as in “Oh jeez, that L’il Rebel Kim Jong Il just launched another missile!”

Our new administration is not yet 100 days old. So I am sure there will be many more chances to witness our president calling a “spade” a “heart”. Or learning new descriptive phrases that go around the rear, through the legs, up and around the neck and back down to the toes before reaching the elbow in an effort not to raise one eyebrow follicle on anyone, anywhere. I’m a little skeptical that the rest of the world will see this as a sign of national self-esteem and strength, but now maybe at least Hugo Chavez and President Obama can be friends on Facebook.

The Best and Worst in Obamaland

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted my last article. I think that’s the product of a couple of different things. Number one, I was just out of juice if you don’t mind. A person does need to just fall off the treadmill once in a while. And number two, so many potential topics have been launched out there in Obamaland, I don’t know where to insert myself. I feel a little like Wile E. Coyote after his most recent tangle with the Roadrunner, birdies a-tweet in an orbit around his trauma-proof noggin. But like Mr. Coyote, it will take more than a crushing blow to the head with an anvil to keep me down.

A couple of weeks back, what started for me as a rumination on the AIG Bonus debacle got abandoned for the GM/Chrysler debacle which ran into the 2010 Budget soon-to-be-debacle. Then Tim Geithner limped out from his bunker, Michelle Obama skipped through Buckingham with the Queen and those wacky jokesters from North Korea had a little fun with a missile.

I will be the first to admit that there is just too much material here for this humble scribe to properly analyze and comed-i-fy (joke-i-fy? snark-i-fy?). So I’m going to take the lazy way out and just throw out my best pitch for the best and worst developments in the news, according to me, of course.

Worst Attempt to Feign Outrage and Surprise: Congress was shocked, absolutely SHOCKED to learn that retention bonuses would be paid to AIG executives within the same Financial Products division that many credit for igniting the financial crisis. Did they approve the bonuses last fall—YES! Even changing the wording at the urging of the Administration to make sure they would be paid out—YES! Please Chuck Schumer, give it a rest all ready. The Academy Awards are still about a year away. Coming soon: more Oscar-worthy performances as Congress gasps and wails in disbelief to learn that Social Security has run dry. Finger-pointing and indignant speechifying ensue.

Best Power Grab: Barack Obama kicking GM CEO Rick Waggoner to the curb. The poor guy could only wave a hanky as he watched the Prez zoom off in a cloud of exhaust and chutzpah. Wall Street just LOVED watching that little curbside dust-up. The market had a good cry, waxing nostalgic about the good old days when businesses were part of the private sector and “subject matter experts” called the shots. Not to worry though. I’m confident that this is an isolated incident—surely we won’t see more Big Government playing Big Brother in the private sector…right?

Biggest Waste of Time and Ink: The Republican Budget alternative. With great fanfare and press coverage, the Republican leadership on Capitol Hill came forth with their answer to the debt-soaked budget proposal from President Obama. Except the Republicans used their time in the spotlight to hand out a brochure that basically said “Stay tuned…”. By the time they brought out the real goods a week later, no one gave a rip, and more to the point—why bother? I’m sure Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are now using the Republican recommendations as toilet paper.

Best Show of Tenacity: You have to give some props to Tim Geithner. The day he announced his plan to help the banks climb out of their toxic stupor was a banner day for Wall Street. And Geithner needed a big win. But I still wonder whether he’s got the stamina for the long haul. I’m no body language expert, but have you ever noticed how he talks? Head angled slightly down and forward, eyes peering up under his brow toward his audience—the way a guilty child might look up at his mother after supergluing his baby brother to the refrigerator? His is not the face of certainty. I want a bold visionary with steely-eyed confidence! Someone who’s a mix of Oprah and Warren Buffet with a dash of Putin—now we’re talking!

Most Overblown Accolades: The Obamas recent overseas visit anchored by the G-20 summit was a huge success. As predicted, Michelle Obama stole the show and generated more excitement with her outfits than with anything she actually did or said. Now I ask you—was she really that spectacular? Believe me, I love her fashion sense—the way she mixes color and pattern are right up my alley. But I think the press acted like the “Koo Koo for Cocoa Puffs” bird in their coverage. I really didn’t see anything so stunning, and there were certain outfits that I thought were downright unflattering! And please, make it official all ready and plaster the J. Crew logo on Air Force One. Come to think of it, offering sponsorships like this could certainly open up a whole new revenue stream. After all, somebody’s got to pay for the G-20’s 500-person entourage and $40MM price tag.

Worst Excuse for Firing a Rocket: North Korea was clearly looking to test its ability to launch a long range ballistic weapon. But they sure cleared up that misconception when they explained they were absolutely NOT doing anything of the kind (WINK!). They were simply launching a satellite (WINK!) and the world should just keep its panties on (WINK!) I’m sure they are now scratching their heads wondering what happened to that rascally satellite since all three stages of the rocket detached and fell harmlessly to earth, minus any distinguishable satellite. Nonetheless, the stunt stole Obama’s European spotlight and you could almost hear crazy old Kim Jong Il screaming, “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!” Stay tuned as they launch their next missile carrying a payload of Girl Scout cookies.

Whew! Felt good to get all that bottled-up dart-throwing off my chest. But now, even as I post this, I feel a swirl of new material coming at me like a fast ball on opening day. Time to climb out of my stupor and get back in the game. With so many balls in the air, I don’t want to miss a single play.

A Liberal Dose of Moderation

If you live in the Northeast like I do, you know that by the time March rolls around, you are ready for spring. I have to admit though, I like my four seasons. (I spent a Christmas in Jamaica once and watching people walk by on the beach with umbrella drinks, speedos and Santa hats did not underscore the gravitas of the season.) I always appreciate the upcoming season mainly because I get tired of the clothes I’m wearing in the current one.

As with most people who live in the northern climate zones, when the winter weather moderates, so do my spirits. And there seems to be a lucky concurrence this year of the arrival of spring and the appearance of some voices of moderation within the Democratic Party in Washington. All of a sudden, I’m starting to feel how my grass must feel after I get out there and poop-scoop my lawn. Wow! Sunlight and air! And the possibility that I might actually stand tall and thrive!

It’s sad that I can relate to a blade of grass weighed down by dog poo, but it’s true thanks to all the talk of monstrous budgets, more taxing and spending. I know we’re in a recession and there must be some infusion of cash, but we’re kidding ourselves if we think we can spend our way out of this on every front. Since Obama’s inauguration and the onset of the massive spending bills, there has not seemed to have been any cogent opposition. The Republicans can wield the equivalent of a Swiss Army knife in the Senate, and the House Repubs might as well just pull a Rip Van Winkle and snooze this one out until at least 2010.

So I have been reading with great interest about a group of 13 moderate Dems and one Independent in the Senate who have been quietly coalescing to exert their own more centrist views. Finally! I just knew that there had to be some rational voices among the Democrats, regular-thinking “Joes” who felt that the Republicans screaming “Hit the brakes!” might be onto something. Now the House is a different story. Those poor Blue-Dog Democrats are stuck on the SS “Crazy Eye” Pelosi, and that boat is listing so far to port, they’ll have to jump overboard to make any kind of splash.

I anxiously await the fight over the budget that will be upon the Congress in a matter of days. The spending of $3.6T is no small thing. The President characterizes his budget as a way to cut the deficit, boost spending on education, invest in alternative energies and reduce our dependence on foreign oil. The opposition sees this as a massive spend/borrow/tax scenario, one that could bankrupt the United States according to Senator Judd Gregg, Obama’s onetime pick for Commerce Secretary.

I predict this bill will ultimately sail through the House as breezily as pollen in the spring air, but my hope resides with the Senate. That group of 14 moderates gives me optimism that there will be some real exposition of how overzealous spending leads to crushing debt. And if members of Obama’s own party shake off their stupor and start exposing these realities, perhaps these more moderate views will gain traction with the American people.

After a true “Winter of Discontent”, I think it’s safe to say most Americans are looking forward to a season of literal rebirth for our country. Major changes are afoot and it is my pledge to pay closer attention than ever before to the breadth and scope of what our elected officials claim is necessary to move us forward. The seeds of moderation that are being planted now are barely sprouting and are in need of care and feeding. I, for one, will be lining up with my watering can.

Obama's Confidence Game

Our economy is saved! The market is up 300 points! Let the milk and honey flow and private jets once again course the heavens!

Oh, wait a minute. I lost my head there for a moment. We're still in the neighborhood of 6800 for the Dow which means now my investments are down only 40% rather than 42% from last week. A little premature to be popping open the bubbly. Tomorrow the whole fragile victory could disintegrate like spun sugar.

Such is the new reality. One foot in front of another, small victories celebrated cautiously. Followed by the inevitability of some bank toppling or a genius pundit tossing out the "D" word. Can't we just wallow in the recession for a while? Is it necessary to force us into a deeper ditch?

But I'm not ready to give up. Are you with me people? What do we need? Give me a C! Give me an O! Give me a...oh just spell it out all ready--CONFIDENCE! And who's our head cheerleader? BARACK OBAMA HE'S OUR MAN! IF HE CAN'T DO IT...then we're screwed.

Because really, who else is there? The American people are like the frightened townsfolk in “High Noon”. They’re huddled behind saloon doors and post office counters waiting for Gary Cooper to stride out and mow down the bad guys. They’re not looking for Elmer Fudd or Don Knotts. And they don’t want to see Gary Cooper pulling a bag of marbles out of his holster. They want the sheriff to haul out the AK-47 and git ‘er done!

Right now, I think the American people have more confidence in the aim of Simon Cowell than of anyone in Washington.

But why is that? Because apparently at the moment, there is no one attached to the White House that can call the plays and make the pitch like Obama. I mean it’s not even close! And they have tried to run others up the flagpole (think Tim Geithner doing his best deer-in-the-headlights impression during that Congressional hearing) with pretty horrendous results. For better or worse, for the moment, Obama has to play all the positions on the field. But he’s about to throw himself out if he doesn’t watch it.

Yes, his approval numbers are still high. But they should be because of the promises he made last fall. Obama campaigned as a blast of "The Master Cleanser" for the sludge-caked bowels of Washington. The public was tired of back-room deals, broken promises, presidential obfuscation. We needed someone to ride in on the white horse and throw the bums out, promising "Change We Can Believe In!"

Other than what I consider to be negative change—i.e. the trending toward socialism--I’m not sure I see a lot of positive changes, or even the momentum for change. And the things I remember Obama campaigning on that would inspire my confidence in his words--transparency, bipartisanship, an end to government waste and “business as usual”—don’t seem to be panning out either.

Take transparency. I swear I remember our President promising not to hire lobbyists to work in his administration. Yet, there are waivers to his anti-lobbyist requirements being granted behind the scenes for just that purpose. And bipartisanship seems deader than Chris Brown’s endorsement prospects. It was clear from the budget and stimulus bill process that Republicans got the Heisman stiff-arm pretty much the whole way. Let’s face it—a White House tea and cookies reception or Super Bowl party invite do not constitute “Mission Accomplished” for productive bipartisan collaboration.

Here’s the one that really gets me steamed—President Obama’s vigorous and persuasive admonitions that there would be an end to pork barrel spending and government waste. And yet, the 2009 Omnibus Spending Bill sailed through Congress, dragging along 8500 earmarks totaling over $7B in spending on behalf of both parties! It is now sitting on his desk, waiting for signature.

I don’t care what excuses Capitol Hill throws out there to deflect attention away from the President on this one. Do you mean to tell me that Obama could not take a stand and send that bill back for some trimming? At least make a show of living up to his campaign promises? Of course he could! So why won’t he? Politics as usual, knowing that one hand washes the other. I do this for you this time, and you owe me a solid next time.

So my confidence in his abilities to be any different than any other politician is sinking fast. And on top of that, I’m worried about his ability to focus on and prioritize his “To Do” list. Is there any doubt about what needs to happen right now? Put the basketball down and listen to me please. Banks and financial markets need to be stabilized, not through wholesale takeovers, but through temporary government intervention that allows for relief from toxic assets so money can flow again. Because if I can get a loan to buy a house, then I go shopping for furniture to put in it. And that furniture purchase will allow the furniture retailer to keep the doors open. And that will funnel new orders to the furniture manufacturer who can keep his workers employed who will then go out and buy new TVs and DVD players so they can watch old movies like “High Noon” in “High Def”.

But Obama is spreading himself too thin. Like the Health Care Summit—was that necessary at this moment? Other than a lipstick-covered rear end, did Obama reveal any quantifiable result from this? And his pronouncements on Education and Stem Cell funding—all worthy causes, but our kids are still going to school, research is soldiering on and even health care is still available. Each needs attention, but they are not in danger of becoming extinct. Like my 401k.

I know how it is to want to be all things to all people. I have those instincts myself. But if you take on too much and don’t live up to your commitments, people lose faith. And faith (or the lack of it) seems to be trumping facts in the markets these days.

I was watching comedian Jimmy Fallon this morning on TV talking about trying to build an audience and confidence in his abilities as he starts his new late night talk show. He was giving himself 3 months to “figure out” his style, what worked and what did not. I think that’s fair. And I think he’ll succeed. He’s got good people around him, a great house band and a well-established format to work with. No matter what, though, the host has to be able to carry the show.

Like Jimmy Fallon, Obama’s got the established format to step into, but I’m not so sure about the people around him. And I don’t think he can afford the luxury of 3 months to figure out his style. Now if the President would just hire a (White) house band, I would be very confident in his hipness, but he’s still got to be able to live up to his hype and carry the show.

Son of Stimulus: Obama Budget Bills Batter My Brain

I guess we should be getting used to these astronomical price tags coming out of Washington. $700 billion here, $800 billion there, bank bailouts, auto bailouts, pretty soon we’ll be seeing a Suleman Octuplet bailout. Do most Americans have a firm grasp on the who/what/when/why and where-the-hell-the-money’s coming from of this situation? Does anybody really give a rip? Or are people just succumbing to the government’s siren song…“Don’t worry…we’ll take care of you…President Obama is such a good speaker…listen to his soothing voice…” Because if you thought we’d all ready seen some doozies in the previous money grabs, wait til you look a little closer at the $410B 2009 Omnibus Appropriations Bill that the House approved on February 25.

Have you heard much about this Bill? No, I didn’t think so. In fact, the day the Bill made it through the house, another more imperative piece of legislation was highlighted on the network news. HR 80, the Captive Primate Safety Act, aka “Chimps are Chumps”, sailed through Congress as a result of the tragic chimp attack a couple of weeks ago in Stamford, Ct. The Chimp Bill makes sure that no chimp, no matter how cute and commercially marketable, can ever be kept as a pet again. Although the bill was largely “pork free”, there was one last minute amendment allocating $20M for a study entitled “Butterflies in Flight: Thing of Beauty or Ground Zero for Global Warming”. After even President Obama was heard to say, “You guys are kidding, right?” the amendment was removed.

But back to the Omnibus Bill. For those of you who are numb or just too exhausted to even figure out what “Omnibus” means, this $410B Bill is basically a continuation of the existing Fiscal 2009 budget that adds on a few more amendments in an effort to keep the government running until Fiscal 2010 begins on October 1. And thank goodness that President Obama came along when he did because we KNOW that this bill will be clean as a whistle, no more earmarks, no siree! I mean, he made that pledge during his campaign, during his inaugural, during his address to Congress…right?

But wait! I just read an email from Taxpayers for Common Sense that has identified 8500 earmarks totaling $7.7B worth of bacon-wrapped projects that are part of the Omnibus. I guess the folks who attended the President’s Fiscal Responsibility Summit on 2/23 consider this Bill a “mulligan”. Because otherwise how do you explain spending (by both parties!) like this:

1. $190K to update a collection at the Buffalo Bill Historical Center in Cody, Wyoming. Are we sure this is actually a real place? Is it possible that we might be sending money to some sophisticated computer geeks from the University of Wyoming who have set up shop at an old Linens&Things and are planning one humdinger of a kegger?

2. $238K for a Polynesian Voyaging Society in Hawaii. Listen, if that’s all it takes, my friends and I could put together a French Wine Country Inspection and Appreciation Society in about 5 minutes for a fraction of the cost.

3. $950K for the Myrtle Beach, SC Trade and Convention Center. Now I am a big fan of Myrtle Beach, but this is just obviously an excuse to give the Hells Angels a hangout for their semi-monthly conventions on the Grand Strand.

4. $300K for a Montana World Trade Center. I think the people who wrote the bill heard this one wrong. I’m pretty sure the sponsors meant $300K to build "Hannah Montana World"—that would be WAY more believable.

Need I say more? Now that I think about it, the President made a pointed remark in his address to Congress the other night about earmarks in the budget. He said something about making sure that the 2010 budget was clean of any pork, but made no mention of holding this same standard to the budget for 2009. Hmmmm. Crafty, Mr. President. Now you’re thinking like a pol!

And when Nancy Pelosi was asked about the Omnibus Bill laden with 8,500 pieces of pork, she responded that the bill was “unfinished business of last year when (President Bush) refused to address the priorities of the country.” (How DARE George Bush ignore the Polynesian Voyaging Society!) I only wish the follow up question had been “Speaker Pelosi…ever heard of a Sharpie?”

This incredible hypocrisy on the part of politicians makes me so angry; I almost want to rip up my unemployment check in protest. But let’s not get too crazy here. I need to cut my losses and move on, because the next body blow is all ready on the way…

The $3.5 T (for Trillion!) 2010 budget which will leave us with a $1.75 T (for “Too-bad-for-our-grandkids!) deficit. I am not going to even pretend to be able to dissect this one, but based on the spending habits we’ve witnessed so far, I am not optimistic. But there’s definitely something for everyone: Healthcare! (More) Bank Bailouts! Middle Class Tax Cuts! Global Warming Programs! Middle East Wars!

And we know who will be paying for this and upon whose backs Obama plans to bring down the deficit—that’s right! The “rich” people making $250,000 or more. Has anyone ever examined how far $250,000 really goes for a family these days? Let’s take a family living in the Northeast or out in California. It really just keeps the roof over the head, food on the table, a vacation or two a year and maybe some savings toward college and retirement. Now $250,000 in Arkansas or South Dakota—you might be living large and good for you! Couldn’t we all just pay 15% and call it a day? Isn’t that fair?

Wherever you live, I think there’s a new strategy for staying in the “middle class”. Anyone who is about to become “rich” should make a concerted effort to make sure they’re making $249,999. When it comes time for that raise or bonus, just say no! Or just do a mediocre job for your employer—you don’t want to incur a promotion! You’ll actually come out AHEAD financially staying right where you are!

I know I sound cynical. And I am not opposed to spending money for the greater good. But I say to Congress, be honest about it. If you say you’re going to clean it up, keep it clean and spend it wisely. Having government running anything usually means going around your posterior to get to your elbow. Stimulate—don’t stifle--private investment. Reward ­everyone who has worked hard and achieved. And if you ask me to sacrifice, don’t forget, you may have to step away from that plump, juicy, constituent-pleasing, lobbyist-rewarding pork roast.

Who’s with me? Are you riled up or still in a stupor on the La-Z-Boy? Can we raise our voices and demand accountability? Or at least shout out a rousing “Sue-EEEEEE!” in protest? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some pork, but I prefer it nice and crispy next to my pancakes—not fueling the narcissism and re-election dreams of the US House and Senate.