Can you hear me purring? The Oscars just bring out the bitchy kitten in me. Maybe it’s because I love zinging barbs at people whose biggest concern is whether or not they have enough botox in their earlobes to hold up their Fred Leighton chandelier earrings. But I simultaneously hate and LOVE the Oscars. Even during the good old days of in-your-face prosperity, the Oscars were an excuse for champagne and brie. Now I’m in more of a bean dip and Bud Light situation, but the guilty, escapist pleasure remains.
Where to begin? How about the red carpet? For me, the commentators were a little annoying. Especially Tim Gunn. I love Project Runway, but a little Tim Gunn goes a long way. The way he gushed over every designer dress just got a little tiresome. I’m wondering if Meryl Streep wandered up offering the cure for cancer, if Tim would say, “That’s super…but whose shoes are you wearing?”
And the way he spoke worshipfully to Brad and Angelina was a little repulsive. Let’s just stipulate to the fact that they are the most gorgeous couple on the planet and are so magical that they actually float above the red carpet so as not to scuff their Ferragamo/Laboutin shoes. Did any of you ladies ever have those cutout paper dolls when you were little? They came with a bunch of outfits that had little paper tabs that you could fold over to hold them on the doll? Well, that’s how I think of Brangelina. All you need to do is get some life-size cardboard cutouts of them joined at the hip staring demurely into the camera and just keep switching out the clothes. Enough all ready.
Other than Brangelina, there weren’t that many biggies on the red carpet this year—apparently they wanted to “stay fresh” for their presentation gigs. So let’s move inside to hunt the big game, shall we?
First of all, Hugh Jackman. Smokin’ H-O-T! Loved the recessionista opening. The only way it could have been better is if he had done it shirtless. I really was impressed with his ability to sing, dance and rock that tux without a glitch. I’m not sure if he’s slated to host again next year, but from here on out whoever gets the gig should have to pass the topless test. I would think that this would pretty much eliminate Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg.
Speaking of Whoopi, I liked the whole 5-presenters concept for the Best Actor and Actress awards. That was really cool and dramatic, and I’m sure a thrill for some of those previous winners. I think Whoopi appeared as one of the “Best Supporting Actress” crew, which made me wonder how hard the competition could have been the year Whoopi won an Oscar. Who was she up against—Betty Rubble and Alice from the Brady Bunch? Also among the group that walked out with Whoopi was Tilda Swinton who I really love, but did she remind you of anyone last night? I say pop a green contact in her left eye and you’ve got David Bowie.
While we’re talking about the women, here’s a montage of my impressions… I’m torn on the topic of who is more gorgeous—Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie. It must have been weird for those two women to be basically staring at each other and you have to wonder what’s going through Brad’s head…Meryl Streep looked great from the neck up. But as usual, she picked a dogger of a dress…Marisa Tomei had on a really cool dress but they never showed her walking around in it—too complicated. I think she had to be transported via golf cart any time she stood up…Great hair on Kate Winslet but I say SJP needs to go back to blonde…Reese Witherspoon, usually so cute looked so tragic in that black and blue calamity…Mega thumbs up to Ann Hathaway, Penelope Cruz and Taraji Henson…Mega thumbs down to Miley Cyrus who looked like she was competing for Oyster Queen of the Bayou.
But let’s move on…I think we’re to the part of the show called the “endless desert of zilch” where basically nothing happened. We could have used a little shirtless Jackman here. Hell, I’d have even settled for a little shirtless Frank Langella to spice things up. But I was revived when they threw in that musical montage with Beyonce. Is she gorgeous? Yes. Can she sing? For real. Does she have thunder thighs? And how. So either cover them up all the way, put them out there or get a thigh master, but the peek-a-boo red fringe was just dishonest.
After the musical tribute, back to the momentum-killers. Film Editing…Sound Mixing…Sound Editing… Sound of Snoring…and then the sound of the infectious Oscar Winning song “Jai Ho” from “Slumdog Millionaire”. I loved that! And everything about “Slumdog”! Danny Boyle’s maniacal grin every time the camera cut to him in the audience, Dev Patel’s expression of wonderment, the innocence of the cuddly child actors—the whole cast had that fresh-faced, unjaded, anti-Hollywood aura not usually associated with the Oscar night crowd. So refreshing!
Enough being nice. Time to trash some of the dudes. Mickey Rourke looked slightly more put together than usual, but still inappropriately dressed in white before Easter…Did Philip Seymour Hoffman hit the Oscars on his way home from a bank heist? And Chris Walken and Adrian Brody—Larry the Cable Guy called…he wants his greasy mullet back. On the other hand, I must give props to Robert Downey, Jr. for sprucing up—that is so old school! And the most improved award goes to…Jerry Lewis. Last time I tuned in to one of his Muscular Dystrophy telethons, he looked like he had just eaten the whole rat pack. At the Oscars, he looked trim and was surprisingly humble and reserved. Well played.
You know you’re close to the end of the show when they run the “Death Reel”. I actually get a little choked up when I watch this for some reason. Although last night it was kind of hard to get worked up about Emil Hossenfeffer, Scooby Dingleberry and the rest of the unknowns. About the only names I recognized were Paul Newman, Bernie Mac and Heath Ledger. The rest of the folks were pretty obscure. And they left off Harvey Korman—for shame!
Also a little anticlimactic was the announcement for best picture. Slumdog, the little movie that could, was the clear darling and I’m happy it won. And at a little before midnight on the east coast, staying up to watch this extravaganza until the bitter end on a school night is no small feat for this humble scribe. The whole show is slightly boring on balance, but I’m glad I stuck with it. Now I will go out and actually see the movies that were nominated and eagerly anticipate this year’s crop that will contend a year from now.
So while we wait for Oscar 2009, enjoy all the fashion knockoffs soon to be available at JC Penny and the movies that will shortly be out on DVD. Can’t wait to do this again next year!
Until then…meow.
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