Wrap me up in a box and call me a square. I cannot figure out what’s up with the crazy kids these days and their obsession with piercings and tattoos. As the mother of three daughters, I live in constant fear that their childhood dread of needles will eventually be overcome by their misguided attempts to immortalize their current boyfriend or artfully display some drug paraphernalia. And what mother wouldn’t love to see rising above her daughter’s thong one tattoo that seems to live up to its nickname—the tramp stamp? Whatever mischief I was up to back in the day, tattoos were about as likely a plan of action as braiding my armpit hair. In fact, my context for tattoos was generally in one of two camps: old dudes like my grandfather with the obligatory “MOM” or anchor or cross, most likely received during military service, or prison inmates that you’d see on documentaries or on trial for murder or drug trafficking. I am really struggling mightily to think of anyone I knew from high school or college who ever got a tattoo. I’m not saying there aren’t some, but during my era, tattoos were most often small and placed in areas that might not normally be exposed to the public. I think the reasoning here might have been along the lines of wanting to get a real job. Or maybe I am a huge nerd and just not hanging around with hip enough friends.
But wait a minute!! Though I didn’t get tattoos, I did get piercings!!! Two, to be exact. One in each ear. And let me tell you, when I got that third piercing in my left ear in college, I felt as exotic and edgy as a preppy, blonde-bobbed sorority girl in the heart of North Carolina could feel! Even the guys got in on the ear piercing act in college. But it was usually associated with some theme party and therefore pretty short-lived and painful. No wonder since the actual piercing was generally conducted under conditions of maximum inebriation and minimum sanitation.
But like the tattoos I’m seeing, the piercings of today are really just a little over the top. I can’t help but think that in some cases these people just really didn’t think these things through. Take for instance, the ear piercings they call “gauges”. You must have seen these—the people start with basically a toothpick size tube they pierce through the ear, and then over time insert tubes or discs with progressively larger diameters. Eventually they are sporting what look like black checkers in each ear. Or sometimes you see them with metal “flesh tubes”, which allow you to see all the way through the earlobe which is nice since earlobes have for too long obscured our collective landscape. I do not think I have seen these gauges on anyone over the age of 30. And where did they get the inspiration for this? National Geographic? I’m trying to picture the aftermath of years of ear gauge wear and tear. I’m guessing the ear lobes lose their elasticity over time and perhaps get a little droopy. So will there be a generation of geriatrics with low hangin’ lobes with big, flappin’ holes? Will they have to have them surgically repaired? Use them as eyeglass holders? I mean, really—where are they going with this?
And that goes doubly for tattoos. A tramp stamp on a 20-yr old will just look really sad and repulsive peeking out above her Depends waistband when she’s 80. And I’d like to see the lifetime earnings report on the guy who inked a bunch of serpent tentacles all over his face. Where is this guy working and what must his mother be thinking? Since the needle argument seems to be losing potency with my older kids, my scare tactics about tattoos and piercings have shifted to this think-about-when-you’re-80 argument. As I was shopping with my teenage daughters one day, we saw someone both heavily tattooed and pierced. Not wanting to lose the opportunity for a “teaching moment” I asked each of them to imagine that person 50 years from now, covered in wrinkly, faded ink and droopy, dangly skin holes. My 15-yr old said, “I think he would look cute!” Obviously, I have to think up some better scare tactics.
I guess I should be a little more open-minded, a little more tolerant. There are so many ways that people find to express themselves out there in the great, wide world. And who am I to judge? If you want to dye your hair purple and green and wear it in a mohawk shaped like a dog biscuit, knock yourself out! If you feel you look bitchin’ wearing Goth makeup and red zombie-eye contacts a la Marilyn Manson, you go girl! Shave off your eyebrows, wear your pants so low your can put your knees in your pockets, sport an eye patch and a monocle—you ‘da man!!! But when you have come to your senses and decide to assimilate with the regular folk, no one need be the wiser. (Save whatever ill-advised pictorial evidence you may have left out there on Facebook.) Not so for the tattooed and pierced set. Your course is set—no turning back. Just please…steer clear of my daughters.
But wait a minute!! Though I didn’t get tattoos, I did get piercings!!! Two, to be exact. One in each ear. And let me tell you, when I got that third piercing in my left ear in college, I felt as exotic and edgy as a preppy, blonde-bobbed sorority girl in the heart of North Carolina could feel! Even the guys got in on the ear piercing act in college. But it was usually associated with some theme party and therefore pretty short-lived and painful. No wonder since the actual piercing was generally conducted under conditions of maximum inebriation and minimum sanitation.
But like the tattoos I’m seeing, the piercings of today are really just a little over the top. I can’t help but think that in some cases these people just really didn’t think these things through. Take for instance, the ear piercings they call “gauges”. You must have seen these—the people start with basically a toothpick size tube they pierce through the ear, and then over time insert tubes or discs with progressively larger diameters. Eventually they are sporting what look like black checkers in each ear. Or sometimes you see them with metal “flesh tubes”, which allow you to see all the way through the earlobe which is nice since earlobes have for too long obscured our collective landscape. I do not think I have seen these gauges on anyone over the age of 30. And where did they get the inspiration for this? National Geographic? I’m trying to picture the aftermath of years of ear gauge wear and tear. I’m guessing the ear lobes lose their elasticity over time and perhaps get a little droopy. So will there be a generation of geriatrics with low hangin’ lobes with big, flappin’ holes? Will they have to have them surgically repaired? Use them as eyeglass holders? I mean, really—where are they going with this?
And that goes doubly for tattoos. A tramp stamp on a 20-yr old will just look really sad and repulsive peeking out above her Depends waistband when she’s 80. And I’d like to see the lifetime earnings report on the guy who inked a bunch of serpent tentacles all over his face. Where is this guy working and what must his mother be thinking? Since the needle argument seems to be losing potency with my older kids, my scare tactics about tattoos and piercings have shifted to this think-about-when-you’re-80 argument. As I was shopping with my teenage daughters one day, we saw someone both heavily tattooed and pierced. Not wanting to lose the opportunity for a “teaching moment” I asked each of them to imagine that person 50 years from now, covered in wrinkly, faded ink and droopy, dangly skin holes. My 15-yr old said, “I think he would look cute!” Obviously, I have to think up some better scare tactics.
I guess I should be a little more open-minded, a little more tolerant. There are so many ways that people find to express themselves out there in the great, wide world. And who am I to judge? If you want to dye your hair purple and green and wear it in a mohawk shaped like a dog biscuit, knock yourself out! If you feel you look bitchin’ wearing Goth makeup and red zombie-eye contacts a la Marilyn Manson, you go girl! Shave off your eyebrows, wear your pants so low your can put your knees in your pockets, sport an eye patch and a monocle—you ‘da man!!! But when you have come to your senses and decide to assimilate with the regular folk, no one need be the wiser. (Save whatever ill-advised pictorial evidence you may have left out there on Facebook.) Not so for the tattooed and pierced set. Your course is set—no turning back. Just please…steer clear of my daughters.
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