Like the rest of America, I am hoping for great things from the recently signed Stimulus Bill. But, like a lot of people, I’m a little nervous about how effective and/or immediate some of the spending will be. And now that it’s a done deal, I am sampling the virtual graffiti that is floating around in the cosmos. I’m seeing a lot of what you might predict from the “Dig-up-Reagan-STAT -and-wheel-him-down-here” crowd, but interestingly enough, I’m not seeing a lot of end-zone high-fivin’ from the “Pelosi 2012” set. The more liberal-leaners are acting like they’re at a party where someone keeps ripping some silent farts which everybody smells but no one wants to get to the “bottom” of. As if I weren’t skeptical enough about the whole, slightly shady dealings, this makes me even more nervous.
Sure, there are some obvious indications that our leaders look at us “common folk” like we’re rubes. Like Harry’s Reid’s train from Disneyland to Las Vegas, part of an $8B transportation package. Surely an altruistic gesture from this Senator (who by sheer coincidence seems to be from Nevada) to provide immediate employment stimulus—that is, after a 5-year environmental impact study, the cost of which I’m sure will encourage consumer retail spending. Or the $2B allocated for community activists like ACORN—I see an immediate impact here to our nation’s economic health, don’t you? At least for those in the business of producing megaphones and protest signs. Or the $2B for NASA. Hey, I’m all for space exploration, but I haven’t seen a bunch of astronauts down at the unemployment line, so I really wonder if they’re in immediate need of support. Maybe Congress is just hoping we’ll make contact with some intelligent life forms who can lead us out of this mess.
Does anybody know if they got that $600M for converter boxes out of the final bill? I was really hoping the President would address that at his news conference. Nothing says “Get Out of the House and Spend Some Money” like a $40 coupon to encourage you to remain on the couch getting digital TV reception. And the “tax break” in the bill? Get ready for that extra $13/week you Starbucks fans! You can add back in at least 2 Venti skim, ½ caf, decaf, chai, mocha-choka lattes a week!
No matter your political persuasion, do you suspect that there might be just a teensy, weensy bit of nonsense in this stimulus? That a bill that should be about throwing a drowning man a life preserver is more like throwing a 786 billion corks overboard and hoping he’ll be able to eventually scoop up enough of them to stay afloat?
I think we could come up with some really creative ways to stimulate our economy with almost $800B. What do you think about these:
1. The most obvious: give $2,300 to every man, woman and child in the US. Any complaints?
2. Pay off 90% of all mortgages. And guess what? Added bennies for the government as they get more tax revenues since we won’t be writing off mortgage interest!
3. Spend the $ on Snuggies. Every American would receive a lifetime supply (approximately 114 each) and we’d be supporting the business model of the only company in America that doesn’t seem to need a bailout.
4. Buy every American driver a new car. Like Oprah, but on a bigger scale. The downside is it would have to be an American car, but it’s free, so quit your bitchin’.
5. Give all taxpayers a 3-month income tax holiday—party like its 1912! (The year before the Federal Income tax was ratified under the 16th amendment to the Constitution for those of you who snoozed through US History class.)
6. Hire the most brilliant scientists in the world to build a time machine so we can bust ourselves into 2019 before the next Congressional money grab
7. Spend all the money on proliferation reeducation. We’re going to need to get our children and grandchildren indoctrinated into maximum reproduction behavior if we’re going to have enough taxpayers in the future to pay for this debacle.
8. Pay for speed-reading classes and a lifetime supply of Red Bull for all the Congressman who had less than 24 hours to read, digest and vote on the 1500 page Bill in its final form. And hopefully there’d be a little money left over for neurosurgical repair of all the congressional brains that melted from the stress of forceful suspension of reason and credibility.
Sure we need help out here. But do we need this kind of help? Do you have faith in the guys and gals that got us to this point? The same ones that along the way tried to sneak in earmarks for Frisbee parks and studies on the sex habits of Green Frogs—do you trust that they’re looking out for the common good, or is it just every (Congress)man for himself as usual? I just don’t want to be told I’m being served a steaming helping of meatloaf when underneath the delicious ketchupy topping…well there’s a steaming loaf, all right.
I have no choice but to hope for the best. But I am all ready marking my calendar for the first Tuesday in November, 2010. By then, we might be seeing the first trickle of real stimulus impact…if we’re lucky. If not, and if our leadership in this country really threw our money down the toilet, I’ll be digging up old Ronnie myself.
Sure, there are some obvious indications that our leaders look at us “common folk” like we’re rubes. Like Harry’s Reid’s train from Disneyland to Las Vegas, part of an $8B transportation package. Surely an altruistic gesture from this Senator (who by sheer coincidence seems to be from Nevada) to provide immediate employment stimulus—that is, after a 5-year environmental impact study, the cost of which I’m sure will encourage consumer retail spending. Or the $2B allocated for community activists like ACORN—I see an immediate impact here to our nation’s economic health, don’t you? At least for those in the business of producing megaphones and protest signs. Or the $2B for NASA. Hey, I’m all for space exploration, but I haven’t seen a bunch of astronauts down at the unemployment line, so I really wonder if they’re in immediate need of support. Maybe Congress is just hoping we’ll make contact with some intelligent life forms who can lead us out of this mess.
Does anybody know if they got that $600M for converter boxes out of the final bill? I was really hoping the President would address that at his news conference. Nothing says “Get Out of the House and Spend Some Money” like a $40 coupon to encourage you to remain on the couch getting digital TV reception. And the “tax break” in the bill? Get ready for that extra $13/week you Starbucks fans! You can add back in at least 2 Venti skim, ½ caf, decaf, chai, mocha-choka lattes a week!
No matter your political persuasion, do you suspect that there might be just a teensy, weensy bit of nonsense in this stimulus? That a bill that should be about throwing a drowning man a life preserver is more like throwing a 786 billion corks overboard and hoping he’ll be able to eventually scoop up enough of them to stay afloat?
I think we could come up with some really creative ways to stimulate our economy with almost $800B. What do you think about these:
1. The most obvious: give $2,300 to every man, woman and child in the US. Any complaints?
2. Pay off 90% of all mortgages. And guess what? Added bennies for the government as they get more tax revenues since we won’t be writing off mortgage interest!
3. Spend the $ on Snuggies. Every American would receive a lifetime supply (approximately 114 each) and we’d be supporting the business model of the only company in America that doesn’t seem to need a bailout.
4. Buy every American driver a new car. Like Oprah, but on a bigger scale. The downside is it would have to be an American car, but it’s free, so quit your bitchin’.
5. Give all taxpayers a 3-month income tax holiday—party like its 1912! (The year before the Federal Income tax was ratified under the 16th amendment to the Constitution for those of you who snoozed through US History class.)
6. Hire the most brilliant scientists in the world to build a time machine so we can bust ourselves into 2019 before the next Congressional money grab
7. Spend all the money on proliferation reeducation. We’re going to need to get our children and grandchildren indoctrinated into maximum reproduction behavior if we’re going to have enough taxpayers in the future to pay for this debacle.
8. Pay for speed-reading classes and a lifetime supply of Red Bull for all the Congressman who had less than 24 hours to read, digest and vote on the 1500 page Bill in its final form. And hopefully there’d be a little money left over for neurosurgical repair of all the congressional brains that melted from the stress of forceful suspension of reason and credibility.
Sure we need help out here. But do we need this kind of help? Do you have faith in the guys and gals that got us to this point? The same ones that along the way tried to sneak in earmarks for Frisbee parks and studies on the sex habits of Green Frogs—do you trust that they’re looking out for the common good, or is it just every (Congress)man for himself as usual? I just don’t want to be told I’m being served a steaming helping of meatloaf when underneath the delicious ketchupy topping…well there’s a steaming loaf, all right.
I have no choice but to hope for the best. But I am all ready marking my calendar for the first Tuesday in November, 2010. By then, we might be seeing the first trickle of real stimulus impact…if we’re lucky. If not, and if our leadership in this country really threw our money down the toilet, I’ll be digging up old Ronnie myself.
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