Is it really necessary to have 14 children? If Nadya Suleman’s goal was love and a sense of belonging, wouldn’t it have been easier to get 14 puppies or just join a cult? Or here’s a crazy concept—start the process with a husband! Or a boyfriend or something! Maybe she’ll belatedly come to the realization that she might need a guy in her life to, at best, serve as a father figure and, at worst, help take the financial burden off the California taxpayers. But good luck finding any takers now. I’d like to see Nadya on her next blind date. I think the conversation might go a little something like this:
Dude: Wow, Nadya, you’re a good kisser. What luscious lips you have. You remind me of a celebrity…
Nadya: Angelina Jolie?
Dude: Actually I was thinking Daffy Duck. Let’s go back to your place and see what else is plump and kissable…
Nadya: That’s cool. Let me just call my mother and tell her to get my 14 plump and kissable kids off the couch so we can have a little privacy.
Dude: Did you just say 14 kids? Wow! Holy Moodkiller! I did NOT realize it was so late—check please!
But finding a man is really the least of her worries. I went to the Nadya Suleman Family website and navigated around. There’s really not much to it, other than pictures of the babies and Nadya and a button you can click on to give donations. The button is easy to locate. It says “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE…CLICK HERE TO HELP ME OUT OF THE DOG DOO I JUST STEPPED IN!!” Another thing I noticed looking at the pictures on the website is that Nadya has a nice manicure—looks like acrylic nails to me. Just know that some of your charitable donations will be going to the care and maintenance of those nails—they don’t refill themselves, do they ladies?
Beyond worrying about money and her next salon appointment, Nadya must be thinking about the sheer mathematics of her new life. She all ready has the other six kids to maintain and now she’s got to change all those diapers and feed 8 babies multiple times a day. I wonder if she’s nursing? Too bad for her that women are not built like dogs—if she had 8 boobs she could just lay down on the floor and have all those babies suckling away at once. She must be counting on offers of help from her church and her community. She’s got to line up volunteers from some sector—she only has two well-manicured hands!
I can tell you one group that is not likely to be offering aid—her family! Her dad disappeared quicker than Bernard Madoff’s accountant. I heard he took a job in Iran or Iraq to get the heck out of dodge—could he be hoisting his middle finger any higher? And her mom is trash-talking her six ways to Sunday. But who could blame her? I’m sure she’d like to get out and get some salon services too, but she hasn’t been able to since she’s been babysitting six kids 24/7.
But Nadya surely has her eyes on a bigger prize now that she’s got a PR team in place. Do any of you doubt that at a minimum we’ll see an autobiography in the near future or, even better, a TLC or Discovery Channel series? I’m trying to imagine a new spin on the Suleman story, something that would really compel viewers or readers to tune in. Here are some options:
“IVF’n and BFF’n”: Nadya Suleman and Paris Hilton hit the streets of LA lookin’ for love (and child support)
“Cribs: yo, for REAL”: no longer just a show about the homes of the rich and famous, this series takes you inside REAL cribs—the tears, the joy, the stench.
“Child Swap”: swapping wives is so pedestrian. Step up to the plate and live the Suleman lifestyle for 1 week. While Nadya gets some needed R&R at your house, immerse yourself in her hell!
“Law and Order: Fertility”: Nadya Suleman teams with Mariska Hargitay in the most far-fetched spinoff of the Law and Order franchise to date. They’re on uterus patrol, and no ethically-challenged fertility specialist is safe from over-implantation examination.
“14 is Enough All Ready”: Dick Van Patten and Betty Buckley entertain their 14 grandchildren as their daughter Nadya gets her nails done.
I could go on and on…but mark my words, that show is coming. If she can get it, good for her. Those extra Discovery Channel cameramen and production assistants will come in handy when those diapers are nice and ripe. And Lord knows, Californians are rooting for that eventuality. But will the viewers tune in? I say yes. Especially during these dark times, don’t we all want to be able to say, “Well, I may be homeless and counting my own urine as a food group, but at LEAST I’m not Nadya Suleman!”
The fervor over Nadya will surely die down…for now. But when those babies come home in a few weeks, look out. I know I’ll be watching. And waiting for the high concept media creation that will pull her through. How come I can’t get a media vehicle for my life? I know….HONEY!!! Come here!!! I got a great idea!!! Let’s go for nine babies!!!
I think I just heard the screech of tires in my driveway…
Dude: Wow, Nadya, you’re a good kisser. What luscious lips you have. You remind me of a celebrity…
Nadya: Angelina Jolie?
Dude: Actually I was thinking Daffy Duck. Let’s go back to your place and see what else is plump and kissable…
Nadya: That’s cool. Let me just call my mother and tell her to get my 14 plump and kissable kids off the couch so we can have a little privacy.
Dude: Did you just say 14 kids? Wow! Holy Moodkiller! I did NOT realize it was so late—check please!
But finding a man is really the least of her worries. I went to the Nadya Suleman Family website and navigated around. There’s really not much to it, other than pictures of the babies and Nadya and a button you can click on to give donations. The button is easy to locate. It says “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE…CLICK HERE TO HELP ME OUT OF THE DOG DOO I JUST STEPPED IN!!” Another thing I noticed looking at the pictures on the website is that Nadya has a nice manicure—looks like acrylic nails to me. Just know that some of your charitable donations will be going to the care and maintenance of those nails—they don’t refill themselves, do they ladies?
Beyond worrying about money and her next salon appointment, Nadya must be thinking about the sheer mathematics of her new life. She all ready has the other six kids to maintain and now she’s got to change all those diapers and feed 8 babies multiple times a day. I wonder if she’s nursing? Too bad for her that women are not built like dogs—if she had 8 boobs she could just lay down on the floor and have all those babies suckling away at once. She must be counting on offers of help from her church and her community. She’s got to line up volunteers from some sector—she only has two well-manicured hands!
I can tell you one group that is not likely to be offering aid—her family! Her dad disappeared quicker than Bernard Madoff’s accountant. I heard he took a job in Iran or Iraq to get the heck out of dodge—could he be hoisting his middle finger any higher? And her mom is trash-talking her six ways to Sunday. But who could blame her? I’m sure she’d like to get out and get some salon services too, but she hasn’t been able to since she’s been babysitting six kids 24/7.
But Nadya surely has her eyes on a bigger prize now that she’s got a PR team in place. Do any of you doubt that at a minimum we’ll see an autobiography in the near future or, even better, a TLC or Discovery Channel series? I’m trying to imagine a new spin on the Suleman story, something that would really compel viewers or readers to tune in. Here are some options:
“IVF’n and BFF’n”: Nadya Suleman and Paris Hilton hit the streets of LA lookin’ for love (and child support)
“Cribs: yo, for REAL”: no longer just a show about the homes of the rich and famous, this series takes you inside REAL cribs—the tears, the joy, the stench.
“Child Swap”: swapping wives is so pedestrian. Step up to the plate and live the Suleman lifestyle for 1 week. While Nadya gets some needed R&R at your house, immerse yourself in her hell!
“Law and Order: Fertility”: Nadya Suleman teams with Mariska Hargitay in the most far-fetched spinoff of the Law and Order franchise to date. They’re on uterus patrol, and no ethically-challenged fertility specialist is safe from over-implantation examination.
“14 is Enough All Ready”: Dick Van Patten and Betty Buckley entertain their 14 grandchildren as their daughter Nadya gets her nails done.
I could go on and on…but mark my words, that show is coming. If she can get it, good for her. Those extra Discovery Channel cameramen and production assistants will come in handy when those diapers are nice and ripe. And Lord knows, Californians are rooting for that eventuality. But will the viewers tune in? I say yes. Especially during these dark times, don’t we all want to be able to say, “Well, I may be homeless and counting my own urine as a food group, but at LEAST I’m not Nadya Suleman!”
The fervor over Nadya will surely die down…for now. But when those babies come home in a few weeks, look out. I know I’ll be watching. And waiting for the high concept media creation that will pull her through. How come I can’t get a media vehicle for my life? I know….HONEY!!! Come here!!! I got a great idea!!! Let’s go for nine babies!!!
I think I just heard the screech of tires in my driveway…
Marce - You Crack Me UP!!!! Everything I've been thinking so I'm with ya - and you articulate it so well and crack me up at the same time!!! Jill :)
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